Poppies Make Me Sleepy

Happy Veterans Day.

Today on the internets you will see the usual sentiments marched out and then inevitably you get the reciting of "In Flanders Fields."

But you all know I'm not like that.

I swim against the current. And today I'm going to introduce you to a grayer but just as meaningful poem.

Aftermath

Have you forgotten yet? ...
For the world's events have rumbled on since those gagged days,
Like traffic checked while at the crossing of city-ways:
And the haunted gap in your mind has filled with thoughts that flow
Like clouds in the lit heaven of life; and you're a man reprieved to go,
Taking your peaceful share of Time, with joy to spare.
But the past is just the same - and War's a bloody game ...
Have you forgotten yet? ...
Look down, and swear by the slain of the War that you'll never forget.

Do you remember the dark months you held the sector at Mametz -
The nights you watched and wired and dug and piled sandbags on parapets?
Do you remember the rats; and the stench
of corpses rotting in front of the front-line trench -
And dawn coming, dirty-white, and chill with a hopeless rain?
Do you ever stop and ask, "Is it all going to happen again?"

Do you remember the hour of din before the attack -
And the anger, the blind compassion that seized and shook you
As you peered at the doomed and haggard faces of your men?
Do you remember the stretcher-cases lurching back
With dying eyes and lolling heads - those ashen-grey
Masks of the lads who once were keen and kind and gay?

Have you forgotten yet? ...
Look up, and swear by the green of the spring that you'll never forget.

--Siegfried Sassoon, 1919

I've blogged about it before but I was introduced to this poet by reading the Regeneration trilogy by Pat Barker this past year. It's a great fictionalization of what his wartime life may have been like. I also recommend her latest book Life Class. It's set during the time of the Great War and has an interesting message that translates well to today's state of affairs.

So thank you those who chose to serve because you felt like you had to defend your country or to fulfill a sense of duty, to those who were forced to serve against your will but did anyway and to those of you who served because it wasn't so much a duty thing as it was more the best way to advance your life.

Seeds of Annoyance

I haven't been doing much crafty stuff lately.

I made a pair of baby mitts for Moochie out of some nipple-red Red Heart and strung them with some i-cord. He now thinks he's got toys hanging off his coat sleeves.

But they're nothing to really blog about.

They're kind of like other things I've had kicking around my brain that I could probably blog about, but they would be very bitchy posts.

I've been thinking of things that annoy me like fathers that talk to their kids like their kids have the intelligence of a potato.

Or musing as to why they don't teach personal finance in school better. I mean we had a class in High School, "Consumer Math" or something like that. It was pretty much stigmatized as being "math for kids who won't go to college." Yeah I went to college and wasted my time on trigonometry. Do you know the last time I had to find the sine of an angle? Yeah. Never. I hope those "dumb kids" are laughing at us.

And stressing about all the cleaning I'm going to have to do for the Grandma and Grandpa Mad Scientist visit.

Stressing about all the money we'll be spending when they're here. Why couldn't they have come next summer when times were not so lean? Moochie and Chunky would still be adorable. (Because you know seeing Dr. Mad Scientist and I is just a happy bonus to getting to see the furthest-away grandkids.)

Procrastinating making lunches for the boys and me for tomorrow and hopping in the shower.

Sloring myself for votes for my Santa Baby Food Jar Ornament. I think I might have a chance--I mean they wouldn't have to pay for airfare. I could drive to the Grand Prize for less than a tank of gas. And it's less than $10 on the train to get to NYC. Besides as much as I don't really care for Barfy Marfy, I'd love to meet a witch in person.

Because we all know Martha Stewart isn't a demon. She's a witch. Nobody could do that much decoupage without calling on the powers of darkness. (HEE! Yes, we just finished Season 6).

Did you make it this far?

Shall I reward you?

Perhaps with a Moochie in a box?



Sometimes you gotta make your own fun.

Dear Sir or Madam Will You Read My Ad?

My sister T. thinks that no one reads the words on packaging and in advertisements.

(She obviously has never read Penny Karma's pieces on Inspirational Tampons.)

These are the words she toils away at at her job as a copywriter.

Maybe it's because of her or because I'm weird (probably a little bit of both) that I've been finding the latest batch of crap in the mail and newspaper oh so hilarious.

It's starting to be holiday time and I think this holiday season people are actually realizing the economy is in the shitter.

I think the sentiment was there last year too--but people were still a bit dazed about it and some were still in denial.

This year it's really sunk in.

The ads are starting to reflect this more--as they encourage us to spend our non-existent or stretched thin dollars.

My favorite has to be this one from Downy.



It reads: "Staying in is no reason your alluring side shouldn't come out. Express every side a touch more with Downy Simple Pleasures. Renewing scent pearls release with your embrace. So from alluring to serene, daring and beyond, you can feel more."

Hells yeah. If I use Downy I'm going to skip going to the dinner and movie and get laid instead!

Take that copy and replace the word "Downy Simple Pleasures" with "KY Personal Lubricant" and read it again.

Yup.

And then there's my favorite store that I hate going to because it's full of dumbass shoppers and two cashiers working the registers with 15 registers sitting empty on Saturdays at 2:00 p.m. when it's raining and every one's there--Target.

Target's mailer to me was full of coupons for "up & up" their "new line of value basics."

These are products that they claim to have created on a few simple beliefs:

"the things you need can also be the things you want.

a store brand can be as reliable as your favorite name brand.

and quality and value can be best friends forever.

here's to looking up."

Apparently not the first word in a sentence and using fragments is also on the up & up.

It must save money in ink if they don't capitalize the first letter and leave out the subject of the sentence.

Their coupons crack me up because they read like bad fortune cookies.



"nothing says 'i love you' like good hygiene."

Shit, this probably means I should go change my underwear and brush my teeth huh?



"bandages should be as comforting as the hug they come with."

If I made bandages they would make you feel like you should suck it up and be a man--it's just a paper cut! Quit your crying!

Also: "moisturizing is like a vacation for your skin."

Using cheap moisturizer is like a vacation for your skin where it rains and you get stuck in a crappy hotel room where you can hear the guy next door to you snoring, the door lock is broke and you have to prop a chair under the doorknob keep it secure, and the sheets on the bed have some odd stains on them and smell of stale cigarette smoke.

Thank god I don't moisturize my skin. It likes to stay home and avoid the hassle of vacations.

You know how it is--you moisturize and then it's like you need a moisturizer from your moisturizer. Exhausting!

And finally:



"sometimes happieness is as simple as a good fabric softener."

Wow. Maybe I'm not using the right fabric softener.

Don't tell the pharmaceutical companies about this--soon we won't need Viagra to get laid or Prozac to feel happy--we'll just need fabric softener!!

NSFW! The Pink Monster Emerges!

You've been warned!

Screw WIP Wednesday.

The Pink Monster is DONE!

First a little back story--and you'll see where this is going really fast!

It all started with an email forward that a friend that I used to work with back in Michigan sent me.

It contained this picture (I can't remember the joke, just the picture--these are NOT my old coworkers--it's just a random dirty email forward).



It's like the porno version of the Joy Luck Club. Yeah, easy movie title to porno-ize there. (My apologies to Amy Tan, I enjoy her books and liked The Joy Luck Club.)

Anyway, you can figure it out can't you?

A few emails went back and forth and soon I was casting on what has been known as The Pink Monster.







Do you have any idea how fast Dr. Mad Scientist came running when I yelled for him to come into the kitchen and take pictures of my boobs?

Now this isn't a new concept. There are boob scarves knit here (sorry, that's a Ravelry link--she didn't have the pattern posted on her blog like The Place That Shall Not Be Named (But Just Was) indicated, here, and if you're feeling spendy you can buy one for nearly $50 here.

The first two I really don't like because, well I don't know about you, but Laverne and Shirley aren't looking at my feet...yet.

And the third one is nice, but there's something about the glued on nipple I don't really like (anyone seen Mallrats and remember Mdm. Ivannah the three nippled psychic?).

Here are the official deets.

Pattern: The Pink Monster boob scarf, sort of made up by me. The actual boobies are based heavily on Tit Bits.

Yarn: Red Heart!!! In like Rose and some red I lost the label for.

Needles: US7

Notes: The hardest part of knitting this scarf? Visualizing it in the design stage and seaming the boobs to the scarf. That part sucks.

Now I could have knit it all in one tube--but what I did was after I knit the tit-bits, I didn't bind them off, I left 2/3rds of the stitches live and on waste yarn. I took the other third of the live stitches and used that as a base for my cast-on for the tube of the scarf. I had to be careful to use the right side of the boobie so that when you flipped it up onto the scarf it was the right side.

I grafted both ends of the scarf together (the back half of the scarf graft isn't so hot either--I got turned around all wonky when I was kitchenering), sewed the ends of the tubes together, and then stuffed the titties and sewed them from the live stitches onto the scarf.

I suppose I could have bound off those 2/3rds of a stitch and turned them under a bit, but I didn't want too much of a "lip" where the boobie met the scarf.

Instead I got frankensteinian stitch-ish marks around the boobies instead.

And I'm sure that someone reading this will go "Why didn't you just do XY or Z instead of doing it the way you did?" and it will make perfect less-complicated sense.

But then you will know why I'm not a designer! Ha ha!

Oh and I can't forget the rose tattoo my friend requested--that was a pain in the ass to sew on as I was stuffing and seaming the boobie--but it was so worth it. I love the way it looks.

And if you're ever in China--apparently they actually sell these things. In case you're not willing to knit your own!

Trashformers--More than Meets the Eyes!

I have a confession.

I sometimes (about 90%) feed my Moochie jarred baby food.

Not the most economic thing. Baby food is effing expensive. But it's great to pack in his school bag. And as he's been getting more teeth, I've been giving him less of it and more of what we eat.

But the thriftiness I am wasting on buying the baby food is not wasted on the byproduct of the baby food.

I've been saving the lids of those cute little jars.

I did the same thing with Chunky when he was little.

I don't know why. They just seemed like they needed to be something--ya know?

After saving Chunky's baby jar lids, back about eight years (EIGHT YEARS!) ago, I made them into Christmas tree ornaments.



I knew I had to do the same thing with Moochie's lids.

I painted them pink (with any old acrylic paint--like those ones that are always on sale for like 75 cents at the big craft stores).



I warmed up the glue gun (that I've had since I was a bit older than Chunky--oh yeah, this thing is definitely "vintage").



Pulled out my googley eyes.



Some pom-poms.



Cut out some fun foam.



And ta-da!



Now I'm normally not into Christmas before Turkey Annihilation day--but it was daylight savings this weekend and seriously, that stupid extra hour (i.e. an hour you don't get to sleep in when you have an infant) needed to be used up.

Come December though I'll have twelve little Moochie Baby Food Lid Santas to hang out on the tree next to the legion of Chunky Baby Food Lid Snowmen!

Horrorscope

On Sunday my horrorscope was eerily spot on:



The only other horrorscope I have had that was so correct was the one from the day I gave birth to Chunky. It read "Today people will be barking orders at you."

I think "Push!" counts as barking an order.

Not one to tempt fates or skip a weekly therapy session (if baking is therapy, what the hell does that say about me?!), I used an idea Melissa had posted in the comments and that Dr. Mad Scientist twisted a bit.

We took these:



Pulled out this:


(any brownie recipe will do)

Mixed up this:



And added these:


(I only ended up using Snickers and Crunch bars. Other bars were contemplated as you can tell from the first picture.)

And then we got some delicious brownies that I didn't take pictures of!

Oops! But they were quite delicious!!!

Day After

Great Halloween!

Well except for the kids who were out and about trick or treating at 4pm.

Call me old fashioned, but that's weird. I can excuse the 3-foot crowd for going out that early, but the older kids? Huh???

We figured it was because:

a) the Yankees were playing last night; and
b) rain was forecast for the prime trick or treat hours.

Ah well I should count my blessings they don't set "hours" for trick or treating like they do in other places I've lived.

And people are afraid of Oboner and the government dipping their fingers in healthcare--what about townships controlling trick or treat hours? Where's the outrage?

So here are the obligatory kids dressed up pictures.



Ha ha! I love the expression on Chunky's face! Hee hee!

Here's a somewhat better picture.



Chunky was a vampire like he was 2007 (Thank you Grandma for making him that black cape so many moons ago!), and Moochie was a simple pirate. I wanted to paint some stubble on his cheeks, but he wouldn't hold still. (And I got to wear my tiara around the neighborhood without too many weird looks).

Chunky got a damn good haul of candy and so did Dr. Mad Scientist and I.

We only got one trick or treater because by the time we got home--it was pouring. And we live on the 2nd floor and you have to climb two flights of steps to get to us...hee hee.

I had to snap a picture of Moochie at the end of the night, he was really good about keeping his kercheif on his head.

But he looked like Aunt Jemima by the time we got home.



Stay tuned! Even though Blogtober is over, I have a couple of cool things to blog about:

Trashy fun, the Pink Monster is done (!), and horrorscopes come true.